A recent police blotter printed in The Mirror, the student paper at Fairfield University, contained several noteworthy items, but pay close attention to the second one:
Thursday, March 22
7:00 p.m. Female students in Campion Hall reported items missing from their room over spring break. There are no suspects.
9:19 p.m. A note was left on a student’s car parked in the Village saying he witnessed the car being attacked by male turkeys while mating.
Friday, March 23
10:15 p.m. An underage male was found intoxicated in Gonzaga Hall and was transported to St. Vincent’s Medical Center.
11:30 p.m. The Health Center reported a call it received from an RA in Regis Hall. The RA called to report an intoxicated freshman vomiting the bathroom.
11:53 p.m. A female freshman was found staggering and intoxicated while attending Club 42. She was brought to the Health Center for further evaluation.
Saturday, March 24
1:32 a.m. A female freshman was found severely intoxicated and was taken to the Health Center.
1:44 a.m. A lamppost was found knocked over at the townhouses. An electrician was called in to take care of the exposed wires. There are currently no suspects.
2:01 a.m. An 18-year-old male who was severely intoxicated and covered in marker drawings was taken to the Health Center. He was sent to the hospital. However, he left before anyone noticed and was found in a local diner asking for directions back to campus. He was brought back to campus by the Bridgeport Police Department.
4:34 p.m. An apartment fire alarm was set off due to a melted strainer from cooking. There was minor damage done to the stove and floor.
10:49 p.m. An RA in Regis Hall called to report pepper spray being sprayed underneath their door. The RA was told to exit the premises and return 45 minutes after the spray dissipated. There are no suspects.
Sunday, March 25
1:52 p.m. Maintenance called to report vandalism in the Claver lounge. The vandalism included a broken table and a smashed oven door.
Monday, March 26
11:28 p.m. A non-student driving a vehicle filled with students was stopped at the campus checkpoint because the guard detected a marijuana odor coming from the vehicle. A bag of marijuana and a bag of mushrooms were also turned over. The non-student was arrested, and the students were referred to judicial after admitting to smoking the substances.
While it’s hard not to stop and wonder about the drunken 18-year-old covered with “marker drawings” – which screams out for more detail! — or to fret about the shenanigans of today’s college crowd (I mean, WE never did stuff like that, right?), you really need to think about wild turkeys mating so crazily that they attacked a car in the process. And I keep trying to imagine why someone left a note on the car to tell its owner what happened. What could they write? “To whom it may concern: Your car was attacked by some crazy lovemaking turkeys.” And how did the police come to be involved?
What we do know, thanks to the Courant and The Mirror, is that turkeys are much more interesting than they appear when they’re crispy and headless on our Thanksgiving tables.
PS: The blotter item about the crazed turkeys also has the additional advantage of having been written so poorly that one could take it to mean the car had been mating. But I’m pretty sure the writer meant the turkeys were going at it, not the car.